Dear Mal...
A year ago I graduated from college, and got my first job, with a paycheck that doesn’t have to be used for school. It has been both liberating and nerve-wracking. But that didn’t stop me from buying a horse…and, as my parents describe it, buying a host of problems. So, this is the first summer that I will be a horse owner! I’m excited, nervous, scared, etc. I’m afraid that—after being a rider of other peoples’ horses (mostly lesson barns) for so many years—I won’t know how to be a rider and good caretaker of my own horse. I’m boarding Ernie at the barn where I’ve been taking lessons, and everyone has been very kind and helpful. My parents are sort of irritated about this whole venture. With a variety of scholarships and jobs I worked at since I was 15, I was able to pay for about 80 per cent of my college education. And I set up a five-year plan to repay my parents for what they invested in my education. Still, they’re telling me that I’m too immature, that I’m obviously not ready to take on this huge responsibility, that they will have to bail me out, etc., etc. So, on top of my fears about what things I need to do to take care of my horse, I’ve got the added worries about how to prove to my parents that I’m up to all this. And then there’s my career, which is important to me and which holds so much promise for my professional life. Do you have any advice? I feel like I’m caught between finally getting the horse I’ve wanted for years and disappointing my parents.
Caught in the Middle
Dear Caught...
First, let’s take the easiest part of your question. You will be a great horse owner, because you obviously care about your horse, and are focused on making sure he gets what he needs. Plus, you have worked hard to be able to get a horse—fulfilling a years’ long dream. Way to go! Now, let’s think about why your parents are skeptical of your ability to handle the responsibility of horse ownership. What are they actually telling you? Sometimes people speak in codes, because they don’t feel comfortable articulating what’s really on their minds. Your parents love you. Maybe they’re conflicted about the fact that you seem to be entering the world as something other than their precious daughter. You’re now an independent, thoughtful young woman with priorities and plans and dreams to pursue. And perhaps this independent young woman doesn’t “need” them anymore. You obviously respect all they have done for you, and have shown both maturity and a recognition of their contributions to your success by setting up a plan to repay them for what they invested in your education. Think about how much of your success today is related to your parents’ guidance and care.
Instead of feeling caught, look at this conflict as an opportunity to have a conversation with your parents, and show them that you recognize how much you owe them. Reinforce the importance of your relationship, even as you remind them that your new path is just that—a new path. There’s not a door you’re slamming in their faces. Maybe they saw your five-year repayment plan as something other than a sign of your respect for all they have done for you. Did they see it as a business contract? Make sure they understand that you are all “partners” for life. It’s hard for parents to let go after years of nurturing, worrying over and loving their kids. Your parents are asking you to help them get across this hurdle. Give them a hand, and make sure they get to know Ernie. Good luck!
Dear Mal...
I heard that people are conducting research about trees and how they “communicate” with each other. Trees! Really? It made me wonder about how horses communicate. I know that horses pin their ears when they’re mad, and flick their tails. But how do they convey important information—or just “casual” conversation with each other?
Curious
Dear Curious...
Well, equine communication involves a lot more than tail flicking and ear-pinning, as you suggest. Horses are herd animals, and they are also prey animals. Throughout their millions of years on the planet, horses have survived because they are able to communicate with their herd-mates. Even domesticated horses communicate with each other—despite the fact that most horse farms are not susceptible to attacks by mountain lions or other predators. Horses use their ears, their eyes, their voices, their nostrils—virtually their whole bodies!—to communicate. When horses are trying to locate the source of a frightening noise, they rotate their ears. When they’re relaxed and enjoying themselves, their ears may be pointing forward. Similarly, their eyes show fear, happiness, relaxation and anger. When they’re stressed or frightened, their eyes may be widened, with the whites showing, and they may be moving their eyes rapidly. Flared nostrils while the horse is working are normal. Flared nostrils when the horse is in his stall or pasture indicate fear or anxiety. You may have heard horses nicker softly when someone approaches their stalls with food. Horses also uses their voices to communicate stress or even loneliness. The point is that horses are quite different from trees, and their communication methods are more obvious and varied. They, like dogs and cats and sheep and humans, are sentient creatures, with deep emotional lives. It’s only normal that their emotions would find expression in their body language and their voices.
Have a question for Mal? Email her at PAEquest@aol.com.